I know they are trying to kill me. Any help?

I have been locked in mortal combat with the gopher from hell and its progeny since 1986. I have a lawn chair in the garden and today they undermined it and I nearly wound up on my butt.

I have tried: those fusees. No good. Just pissed 'em off and the next morning it was pushed out of the burrow, half burned.

I have been locked in mortal combat with the gopher from hell and its progeny since 1986. I have a lawn chair in the garden and today they undermined it and I nearly wound up on my butt.

I have tried: those fusees. No good. Just pissed 'em off and the next morning it was pushed out of the burrow, half burned. Chewing gum. They had it for desert. Traps. No go.

Preferably slowly, so they can know the pain my squash and garlic suffered, what do I try next to kill 'em?

Thanks in advance.

Other answer:

Samurai Hoghead:
If it's real gophers and not the electronic type, you could try putting a garden hose down one of the holes and blocking any others with dirt. Drown the little buggers.
frank:
The thing about gophers is that they have a way of confusing you. Traps do work, but you have to find ALL the holes in one mound, and set multiple traps, and if you are so lucky to catch one, you still need to put the traps back to catch their brothers and sisters too because they have a back up system. If your property is adjacent to an open field, it is much harder to deal with because they keep coming in. Are you using the right kind of trap?
sciencegravy:
Why not plant extra crops for the gopher, and share instead of compete?

But since I suspect this is not a gardening question, but a gaming question, you'll probably get a game-related answer if you re-post your question in the gaming category. We're just a bunch of gardeners here.

Angry Sailor 302:
The best way to deal with a gopher is to use a 50 megaton underground atom bomb. Check with Putin, I am sure that he will be glad to sell one dirt cheap so that Russia can get some cash coming in.
weeder1:
I put carbide in the runs. The moisture makes acetylene and it can yellow your turf for a few days, but it clears out gophers and moles.